There is a first time for everything. I dreaded this day as none I have ever dreaded before. The last time I dreaded a day, I happened to have a calculus exam. I was so anxious that I ended up in the emergency room. Being in the hospital made me so anxious that my anxiety over the exam was cured and I left before ever seeing a doctor. I never said I wasn't weird.
Today is my birthday. This is the day I have dreaded for the last three months. Today, the day of my birth came and went the same way as every other day of my life. Only today, I am an orphan, without parents. The word still startles me because I'm an adult. If you're going to be an orphan, it's better to be an adult. Yet, does anyone ever get used to being an orphan? It immediately makes you first generation. There is no one living in my immediate family. Both my grandparents and parents are now dead. I've gone from being part of a three generation family to just two.
If this wasn't difficult enough, there has been so many other things, small and big that are the fallout when the older generation is wiped out. It was very different when my mom died. My dad was still here. Now he's gone. In a recent conversation with a friend, I went back to that moment when I first learned of my dad's death from my niece. I realized, as the words poured out of my mouth, that I was fighting, like a fish swimming upstream, against the current, to get away from that memory. I have maintained my smile. Those who knew him and miss him, need it. In private, with tears poured before the throne of grace, I have grieved; I am still grieving.
My dad was my first love, my hero, a perfect example of my heavenly father. He was a man of his word. I could stake my life on his word. When someone dies, it is their final act. If they die the way my dad did, so much remains unfinished. My mother finished her business before she died. My dad never got the chance. Yet, looking over these last three months and the pain I have endured, I see clearer his inheritance to me; he left me with the strength of his unshakable faith.
There were moments when I couldn't think straight or see clear the road ahead because of my pain. It was all I could do to keep my smile painted on as I moved through the day. I have been often complimented for my strength and fortitude. I'm not strong. Neither am I weak. I am not brave, but sometimes, I have been very foolish. Yet, though it all, when you saw me being strong and courageous, it was God who was carrying me on his shoulders so I could keep my head above the tide of grief that has been threatening to overwhelm me these last two years.
It has been an adjustment, this orphan life that I live. This year was harder than the two that has gone before. I couldn't see beyond my pain to the father who had generously poured his love into my life. Today I was given a gift beyond price. With my eyes wide open, I saw before me the tale of my life. Suddenly the voice of my most avid critic became a silent din, a barely imperceptible hum and I caught a glimpse of God's plan.
I chose long ago to walk the road less travel. It has been fraught with thorns and brambles galore. Yet, through it all, God has always shown me just where to step. I have cried out my pain, my anger, my hurt, and every emotion under heavens. But through it all, I chose to grab a hold of God and keep holding on, specially when my grip was slipping. God kept his word, he worked all things for the good of those who trust him. I see his hand leading me out through even this. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm more hopeful now that I was before.
This is the first birthday of the rest of my life. So I would like to end this day by thanking my well wishers, those who have loved me continuously over the years and have kept me covered in prayer. I am grateful for your affection. But mostly, I am filled with a sense of gratitude for the one who died for me so that I could live. Faith is not something you keep on the shelf and look at and admire; only when it is tested, under immense pressure does the transformation begin.
As I finish writing this, I must admit that my heart is lighter than it has ever been. I feel the buds of hope blooming, very much like a sleeping tree to the first heat of sprint. I have been walking through this valley longer that I would have liked. But His presence is beside me, leading through still waters. My soul is slowly being restored. May this birthday be the beginning of many such still to come. I'm choosing to be optimistic. It's a brand new birthday, new life, and a new beginning.
Today is my birthday. This is the day I have dreaded for the last three months. Today, the day of my birth came and went the same way as every other day of my life. Only today, I am an orphan, without parents. The word still startles me because I'm an adult. If you're going to be an orphan, it's better to be an adult. Yet, does anyone ever get used to being an orphan? It immediately makes you first generation. There is no one living in my immediate family. Both my grandparents and parents are now dead. I've gone from being part of a three generation family to just two.
If this wasn't difficult enough, there has been so many other things, small and big that are the fallout when the older generation is wiped out. It was very different when my mom died. My dad was still here. Now he's gone. In a recent conversation with a friend, I went back to that moment when I first learned of my dad's death from my niece. I realized, as the words poured out of my mouth, that I was fighting, like a fish swimming upstream, against the current, to get away from that memory. I have maintained my smile. Those who knew him and miss him, need it. In private, with tears poured before the throne of grace, I have grieved; I am still grieving.
My dad was my first love, my hero, a perfect example of my heavenly father. He was a man of his word. I could stake my life on his word. When someone dies, it is their final act. If they die the way my dad did, so much remains unfinished. My mother finished her business before she died. My dad never got the chance. Yet, looking over these last three months and the pain I have endured, I see clearer his inheritance to me; he left me with the strength of his unshakable faith.
There were moments when I couldn't think straight or see clear the road ahead because of my pain. It was all I could do to keep my smile painted on as I moved through the day. I have been often complimented for my strength and fortitude. I'm not strong. Neither am I weak. I am not brave, but sometimes, I have been very foolish. Yet, though it all, when you saw me being strong and courageous, it was God who was carrying me on his shoulders so I could keep my head above the tide of grief that has been threatening to overwhelm me these last two years.
It has been an adjustment, this orphan life that I live. This year was harder than the two that has gone before. I couldn't see beyond my pain to the father who had generously poured his love into my life. Today I was given a gift beyond price. With my eyes wide open, I saw before me the tale of my life. Suddenly the voice of my most avid critic became a silent din, a barely imperceptible hum and I caught a glimpse of God's plan.
I chose long ago to walk the road less travel. It has been fraught with thorns and brambles galore. Yet, through it all, God has always shown me just where to step. I have cried out my pain, my anger, my hurt, and every emotion under heavens. But through it all, I chose to grab a hold of God and keep holding on, specially when my grip was slipping. God kept his word, he worked all things for the good of those who trust him. I see his hand leading me out through even this. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm more hopeful now that I was before.
This is the first birthday of the rest of my life. So I would like to end this day by thanking my well wishers, those who have loved me continuously over the years and have kept me covered in prayer. I am grateful for your affection. But mostly, I am filled with a sense of gratitude for the one who died for me so that I could live. Faith is not something you keep on the shelf and look at and admire; only when it is tested, under immense pressure does the transformation begin.
As I finish writing this, I must admit that my heart is lighter than it has ever been. I feel the buds of hope blooming, very much like a sleeping tree to the first heat of sprint. I have been walking through this valley longer that I would have liked. But His presence is beside me, leading through still waters. My soul is slowly being restored. May this birthday be the beginning of many such still to come. I'm choosing to be optimistic. It's a brand new birthday, new life, and a new beginning.
Love this.
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