Loneliness

I did not want this to be about my mother.  That's why I wrote The Journey Home; I was trying to get some perspective as my mother lay dying.  I'm a writer.  It's how I think, with words that come out of my finger tips.  I did not want this to be about motherhood either.  That's why I wrote Motherhood....My Way; I was trying to understand how to be a working mom.  My first blog, Baby oh Baby! was about the most amazing journey of my life, the beginning of motherhood.  Now, writing this blog, trying to understand myself as the writer I want to be, I'm back where I started, thinking of my mother.

This summer has been difficult.  I keep reliving 2014.  It occurred to me that making new memories just might make things better.  We went peach picking at Demarest Farms in Hillsdale New Jersey.  It was a lovely day, spent with my family.  My favorite part was picking a ripe peach off the tree and eating it right there in the orchard.

There's a story in Luke 10:38 about Martha and her sister Mary.  They are hosting Jesus and Martha, getting stressed, asks Jesus to tell her sister to help her.  Instead, Jesus tells Martha that she's worried about a lot of things.  He goes on to tell her that Mary has chosen the right thing and it will not be denied her.

I choose to spend 2014 at my dying mother's bedside.  It is an experience I will never forget, one I can never escape.  I choose my mother over my children.  Does that make me a bad mother?  I'm not sure if it actually made me good daughter.

But I do know this, since she's been gone, I have been walking around with half a heart.  My sons look at me with such adoration and they shower me with so much unconditional love that my broken half heart is slowly healing.  I find myself applying the balm of their love to my aching heart often and often these days.  I am healing but I think I will always be alone.